ADHD - Thirteen Years in the Dungeon

 

The Struggle Within: A Journey Through ADHD, Self-Medication, and the Destructive Pursuit of Perfection

Introduction: A Mind in Overdrive

From a young age, my mind has been a storm—a constant whirlwind of thoughts, impulses, and distractions that never seem to quiet down. It was as if my brain was wired differently, operating at a frequency others couldn’t hear. ADHD was the name for this chaos, but it wasn’t a diagnosis I could easily access. In Lesotho, where support for ADHD is practically nonexistent, I resorted to a self-diagnosis that led to a long, tumultuous battle with self-medication. My academic successes, my company, my family’s pride—these were the masks I wore to cover the turmoil inside. But behind those accomplishments was a person spiraling, holding the facade together with chemical crutches.

The Cunning Facade: Masking ADHD’s Telltale Signs

At first, I only showed the symptoms of ADHD to those who could help me maintain my self-diagnosis. My impulsivity, inability to focus, and restlessness were displayed as mere quirks—traits of a highly intelligent and driven person rather than a sign of a deeper internal struggle. I was always the one with big ideas but little follow-through, the person who’d start something but never finish. But no one questioned it. They thought I was just a "creative" mind, a bit eccentric, but nothing to worry about. I knew how to twist my behavior into something socially acceptable, all while slipping into deeper self-medication. Marijuana was the first tool I used to manage the chaos. It quieted the storm in my head, just enough to study, just enough to work long hours, just enough to seem functional.

But as the fog of self-medication thickened, so did my dependence. The hours I spent studying grew longer. I could add more hours to my work, perfecting every detail. Yet, I was slowly losing touch with reality. The more I hid my struggles, the more I became consumed by the need to maintain control—control over my thoughts, my actions, and most importantly, my image.

The Illusion of Control: Substance Use and Its Escalation

As high school drew to a close, my self-medication began to escalate. Marijuana gave way to lean, depressant pills, and anti-depressants—substances that dulled the intensity of my thoughts, numbed the anxiety, and gave me a false sense of calm. At the time, I thought I was managing my life well. I could still function, still appear productive. But internally, I was living in a fog, unable to break free from the haze of chemicals that had become my normal.

Then came ketamine, a substance that offered a dissociative escape from the world. In those moments, I was untouchable—floating above my own anxiety, above the relentless pressure I placed on myself. The dissociation was the closest thing I had to peace. But as with every drug I took, there was a cost. The further I delved into the world of chemical balance, the further I distanced myself from who I truly was. I kept playing the role of the academic, the entrepreneur, the good boy. But inside, the storm only grew louder, more chaotic, more uncontrollable.

The Breaking Point: Manic Episodes and the Descent Into Apathy

As I transitioned into tertiary education and continued building my company, the effects of my self-medication became harder to ignore. The manic highs were followed by crushing lows. I would work tirelessly for days on end, completely consumed by my projects, only to crash afterward—unable to get out of bed, unable to focus, paralyzed by apathy. The manic depression I experienced was the most visible symptom of my disordered mind. It felt like an endless cycle: work, collapse, repeat. I could never find the middle ground.

Apathy became my most powerful ally. It was my defense against the pain, against the anxiety, against the overwhelming sense of emptiness that would always resurface when the rush wore off. The mania would ignite a temporary fire inside me, but as soon as it burned out, I was left with nothing but ashes. I lived in extremes, unable to function in the spaces in between. People around me started noticing the inconsistencies in my behavior. I was no longer the high-achieving student I pretended to be; I was someone out of control, someone whose life was falling apart.

The Metaphor of a Fading Flame: The Danger of Stagnation

If I don’t change, I fear that I will fade completely. Like a candle burning at both ends, I’m consuming myself faster than I can replenish the energy that keeps me going. The ADHD that I’ve tried to mask with drugs and distractions is not something I can outrun. It’s a fire that has already consumed most of what it touched, and if left unchecked, it will eventually burn me to the ground. I know this—my inner voice is a faint whisper beneath the din of my thoughts, warning me that I can’t keep living this way. The transformation I seek feels urgent, like the last ember before the flames are extinguished.

It’s like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, gazing at the abyss that lies below. If I don’t change now, I’ll fall into it. I’ll become nothing more than a shadow, a hollowed-out version of the person I once hoped to be. The more I hold onto the illusion of control, the further I slip into a void where nothing matters anymore.

The Impact on Those Around Me: The Pawns in My Game

While I’ve been consumed by my struggle, I can’t ignore the damage I’ve caused to others—those I’ve manipulated, used, and discarded to maintain my facade. Some of them became lost, spiraling into their own personal hells, victims of my manipulations and reckless decisions. People close to me—some who once trusted me—fell apart. Some of them committed suicide. They were like pawns in a game I didn’t even know I was playing, their lives crumbling because of the chaos I had spread. The weight of that knowledge is unbearable. They are the cost of the life I’ve lived, and I can never undo the damage done.

I used others to maintain the illusion of normalcy, to avoid the pain of facing myself. I dragged people into my world, entangling them in my lies, and as they cracked under the pressure, so did I. The damage wasn’t just to myself—it spread like a virus, infecting everyone who got too close.

The Cost of Staying the Same: Paranoia and Fear

As my life spirals out of control, I am consumed by paranoia. I’ve isolated myself from the very people who could have helped, and now, I live in constant fear of being exposed. I fear that my past will catch up with me—that the manipulations, the lies, the broken promises will finally surface, and I will be forced to face the truth of who I’ve become. But more than that, I fear that I will never change. That I’ll remain stuck in this cycle of self-destruction, trapped by the very conditions I’ve created.

In this space, there is no peace, no escape. The only thing left is the gnawing feeling that I’ve already faded—that the person I once was has already been lost.

A Call for Change: The Metamorphosis

In my mid-twenties, I find myself at a crossroads. My Saturn return feels like the final warning before everything collapses. I can no longer continue pretending. The only way forward is through change—through shedding the skin of the person I’ve been and embracing a new version of myself. I don’t want to be the person who fades into the background, who loses everything because they were too afraid to confront their own demons. I don’t want to live in the ruins of my past decisions. The time for transformation is now. It’s either change or fade away completely.

Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, I know that I must break free from the chains of my own making. I must face my ADHD, my fears, my apathy, and my past head-on. The transformation will be painful, but if I don’t undergo it, I fear that I will slip into nothingness.

Outro: Understanding ADHD – Causes, Effects, and the Path to Change

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a chronic neurodevelopmental disorder that affects millions of people worldwide. While it is often diagnosed in childhood, many individuals, like myself, may not receive a formal diagnosis until later in life. ADHD is characterized by a pattern of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity that can significantly impair an individual's daily functioning. It can manifest in a variety of ways, and its symptoms often extend into adulthood, affecting personal relationships, academic achievements, and work life.

Symptoms of ADHD

The symptoms of ADHD typically fall into two categories: inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity. Individuals may experience:

• Inattention: Difficulty staying focused, making careless mistakes, forgetfulness, poor organizational skills, and challenges in following through with tasks.
• Hyperactivity/Impulsivity: Restlessness, excessive talking, difficulty sitting still, and making hasty decisions without thinking about the consequences.

For many, like myself, ADHD isn’t just about "being distracted" or "feeling energetic." It can severely affect one’s ability to maintain focus, meet responsibilities, and regulate emotions, leading to frustration, anxiety, and depressive tendencies.

Causes of ADHD

The causes of ADHD are not fully understood, but research suggests that it results from a combination of genetic, neurological, and environmental factors. Genetics play a significant role, with studies showing that ADHD tends to run in families. Brain structure and function are also important factors—individuals with ADHD often have differences in brain activity, particularly in areas involved in attention and self-control. Environmental factors, such as prenatal exposure to toxins, stress, or lack of early developmental stimulation, may also contribute to the development of ADHD.

Is ADHD Curable?

Currently, ADHD is not curable, but it is manageable. With the right interventions, individuals can lead fulfilling lives and achieve their goals. Treatments for ADHD typically include a combination of behavioral therapy, lifestyle changes, and medication. Stimulant medications like methylphenidate (Ritalin) and amphetamines are commonly prescribed to help individuals manage their symptoms. Non-stimulant medications, such as atomoxetine, are also used for those who may not respond well to stimulants.

Additionally, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and coaching can help individuals develop coping strategies and organizational skills. ADHD often requires a lifelong approach to treatment, and it’s not about "curing" the disorder, but learning to manage it in ways that work for each individual.

The Chronic Nature of ADHD

ADHD is often chronic, meaning that it persists into adulthood for many individuals. However, the severity of symptoms may change over time. Some adults find that they develop coping mechanisms as they age, while others continue to face significant challenges throughout their lives. For me, it has been a long battle with self-medication and a struggle to navigate life while maintaining the facade of normalcy. This journey has illuminated the fact that ADHD requires not only treatment but also a deep self-awareness and willingness to change.

The Effects of ADHD on Life

ADHD can have profound effects on various aspects of life. Relationships may be strained due to impulsivity, forgetfulness, and difficulty communicating effectively. Academically, individuals may face challenges with focus, organization, and time management, despite excelling in other areas. In the workplace, ADHD can make it difficult to complete tasks, prioritize responsibilities, and maintain productivity. For me, this led to periods of intense overwork followed by crippling apathy—manifestations of ADHD’s impact on my ability to regulate energy and focus.

In some cases, individuals may develop co-occurring conditions, such as anxiety, depression, or substance abuse, as a way of coping with the overwhelming demands placed on them. This was true for me, as my struggles with ADHD led me down paths of self-medication and destructive behavior, further complicating my journey.

The Need for Change and Hope

While ADHD can feel overwhelming, there is hope. Understanding the disorder is the first step in managing its effects. It's essential to recognize that ADHD is not a flaw or a sign of laziness but a neurobiological condition that requires patience, treatment, and, often, a shift in lifestyle. For those who may be dealing with ADHD, it’s crucial to seek professional help, whether through medication, therapy, or other supportive measures. ADHD doesn’t define you—it’s part of your journey, and with the right tools, you can reclaim control over your life.

As I stand at the threshold of change, I know that managing ADHD is a lifelong commitment. The path to transformation is not easy, but it’s necessary. The alternative is a life consumed by the chaos within—a fate I refuse to accept.